if only i could text you this smell
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
