Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
