using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
