My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
