just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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