I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
