Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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