Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Randomize
