My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
