Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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