I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
