Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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