What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
you had me at cake vodka
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
