look no pants
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
