Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
