Sacagawea was the original milf.
I checked into jail on foursquare
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
