Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Randomize
