They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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