So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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