I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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