I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
