i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
