my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
