New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
