so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
