what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Randomize
