I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
