Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
