omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
