Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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