God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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