my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
