Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
