maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
