Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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