Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Randomize
