I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Drake has all the answers
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize