he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize