The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
