I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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