Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
