my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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