He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
