there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
