loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
