Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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