Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
