I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
