chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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