We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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