I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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