she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
