What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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