he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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