looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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