I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
