I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
