I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
