I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
