I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
