Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
