He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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